It could be worse, I guess

“Jesus, she looks like Wesley Snipes.”

-my boyfriend reacting to a woman on What Not To Wear.

What not to do when you’re out with me in public

“So do you want me to drop you off right now, or do you want to come with us to the store?” my work friend asked me as we sat stuck in 4:30 traffic.

I was in the car with him & his girlfriend & he was looking to buy a new pair of work boots. Since we were maybe two minutes away from Mark’s Work Wearhouse at that point, I told them I’d tag along & they could take me home afterwards.

Once we got there, I tried to entertain myself somehow while he embarked on a journey to find this one specific pair of boots he’d seen at the south end store. I spied a pair of monster size thirteen steel-toes & busted a half-assed joke about wanting to get acquainted with the man who purchased those bad boys. They didn’t get it, but it was alright – it was far from my best material.

He found the boots fairly quickly, paid for them & we all hopped back in the car. Then he decided that while he was already out, he may as well run the rest of the errands he needed to run. These errands included going to the jewelry store to make a payment on his old lady’s Christmas gift, hitting up the bank & picking up some photos from Walmart. The last stop was A&W for a quick dinner.

We (I) decided to eat at a corner table away from the other restaurant patrons. I purposely sit as far from other people as possible when I’m eating out for three reasons. Number one is that I have a trucker mouth & a surprising number of people seem to be offended by that. Secondly, I’m easily annoyed & do not wish to hear other people’s stupid conversations while I’m trying to enjoy my meal. And lastly, so that in the event that one of my companions starts talking about something stupid, I won’t be embarassed (I’m a good friend).

A few minutes before we left, a couple of guys sat down two tables away from us. At that moment, my work buddy’s girlfriend decides to start talking loudly & excitedly about Twilight. It would’ve been a nice time to die. Here’s the thing: Twilight is embarassing shit. It’s embarassing to read. Embarassing to watch. If you like it, that’s embarassing. If you’re sitting in shitty A&W, spill ketchup & relate that experience to a part in Twilight, that’s embarassing. I have a cool idea. Instead of you talking to me about that movie/book, you could just not.

I’m pretty sure the two dudes were shooting each other “holy shit” looks, too. Fuck my life.

Reason to hate old women # 37

I walked into the lobby of my building the other night after a long & particularly off-pissing day at work & there they were to my right, sitting on the benches outside the manager’s office just as they do every evening. These old women sit together for hours on end every day either on those benches or, weather permitting, on the bench just outside the front door.

There used to be five or six or them but they’re down to two or three now since a few of them decided to do everyone a favour & screw off to retirement homes. They sit there & stare at anyone who walks in or out of the building & when the unsuspecting tenant or visitor is out of earshot, they start with their old lady gossip. 

“Did you hear that his girlfriend left him? Oh yeah, she moved out close to two weeks ago.”

“That one there’s a real partygoer. I heard she got another noise complaint this Saturday night just past.”

These women make it their business to know everything about every person who lives in this building. They know which floor you live on & which unit you live in. They know who lives in your apartment & who you’re friends with within the building. They know when you’ve had a delivery made. They know everything.

I looked over my shoulder at my boyfriend & rolled my eyes. The old women stared.

“Let’s just check the fucking mail & get out of here,” I said.

We turned & walked past them into the mail room, their eyes on us the entire time. My old man pulled three envelopes out of cubby number 310. Shit, more shit & an invoice for an item that’s already been paid off. I held onto the invoice, threw the two pieces of junk mail into the recycling bin & made my way back across the lobby. One of the old women craned her neck, trying to sneak a look at the envelope in my hand, as we walked by. Ordinarily I would’ve told her to mind her own fucking business & keep her eyes off my goddamn mail but fortunately for her, I was too exhausted from the long work day to bother getting into it.

The next night I ran into one of the three who’d been giving us cut-eye when we’d gotten our mail the previous evening. This woman - though still a cantankerous old bitch –  isn’t a regular member of the ancient busybody clique. Sometimes she sits & gossips with them but mostly she doesn’t. In any case, I was carrying my groceries across the lobby over to the elevators & doing my best to ignore her when she spoke to me. I asked her to repeat herself, as I hadn’t caught whatever she’d said the first time.

“I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t me who cursed at you last night when you were walking up the stairs to your apartment. Don’t associate me with those two. I don’t really have anything to do with them.”

Hm. “Oh, they cussed us out, eh? It’s news to me. I didn’t hear them say anything,” I replied.

She paused when she realized she’d ratted her friends out. Then, “Oh.”

“Thanks for telling me though,” I called to her over my shoulder as the elevator door slid shut.

Stay tuned for more apartment building drama. Because there will be more.  There’s always more.

Sippin’ on Coke & rum, I’m like so what I’m drunk

This is my living room before my old man & I demo’ed it opening our swag.

This New Year’s Day hangover has been brought to you (me) by a bottle of wine, a six pack of brews & two monster joints. Standing in my friend’s garage was like kicking it in a fucking smokehouse, I’m sure anyone who stood in there for longer than a few minutes must’ve been hotboxed.

What a night.

I’m not even hungover really, mostly just exhausted. I was up at five for work on Thursday & didn’t go to bed until five o’clock this morning. No regrets though, it was one of the best parties I’ve been to in years.

As per usual, I spent the evening hanging out with the guys as opposed to the ladies. To be fair, they already knew each other well & I had only spent time with one of them prior to this party, whereas I knew every guy that showed up. I am such a dude. Oh well. The guys told better jokes & actually appreciated the ones I busted out. Girls sometimes don’t see how fucking hilarious I am. Or think I am. Heh. 

Everyone was completely shitwrecked & when dudes get together & drink they almost always give each other the bro speech. New Years this year was no different. If you’ve never witnessed one firsthand, this is where they slap each other on the back/shake hands/give props while telling each other how much I fucking love you, bro & vowing to kill any muthafucka that fucks with you.

It’s an amazing thing to see. Guys are so funny. They meet for the first time at some party, get smashed & within a couple of hours they’re promising to hide bodies for each other like they’ve been best friends for years.

Pass the doobie on the lefthand side, Nana!

At one point I was out in the garage getting high (the second time, it was after midnight by this time I think) & this guy I know came out & made a beeline towards me. I’m all, “What?” & when he got close enough he grabbed me in this fucking huge hug, kissed me on the cheek & proceeded to make this whole big New Years confession.

I really like this person a lot but I’ve never been able to tell if he’s all that keen on me. Sometimes we talk a lot & other times we’ll walk past each other & not say a word. Kind of weird. But he told me that he has a hard time not hitting on chicks when he talks to them, which is why he sometimes says nothing when we’re around each other. He said he wants to be respectful of my old man & I, which is awesome.

He also said that if I weren’t with my old man, he’d absolutely hit up on me. Haha. Yeah, I’ve still got it.

It’s a good thing my guy friend was there advising me as to when to put the brews down & start drinking water because that was the drunkest & highest I’ve been in awhile & it would’ve been just a wicked hangover had I kept givin’er.

Oh, I also come this close to pissing my pants (laughing, of course) that night. Some people I just cannot handle when I’m fried. Another thing I can’t handle in the state I was in on Thursday night is the responsibility of taking care of my $600.00 camera, which is why there are no photos of the debauchery I’ve just described.

Happy 2010.

Christmas Eve ‘73

Welcome to Christmas Eve at my grandma’s crib. Walking into her family room is like entering a time warp. It’s 2009 outside & even downstairs when you first come into the house because my grandad (who is a programmer, fyi) has a frigging computer/laptop foster home down there. Then you go up the stairs & you’re in 1970-something. Wild. I should’ve taken a picture of the kitchen, which is decorated in harvest gold.

Not that I’m hating on her kitch, it’s kind of cool. Like being on a movie set or something, you know?

She sent grandad out for KFC for dinner & I’m not keen on their chicken, so I took the tiniest drumstick I could find (didn’t want to be rude, right) then filled the rest of my plate with fries & potato salad. When I declined seconds she acted like I’d only eaten a few bites.

It was confusing. You show up at grandma’s place & you’ve gained a few pounds since the last time you saw her & it’s the first thing that she notices & comments on & then she wonders why you only eat the minimum while you’re there. It’s not like I’ve been given a complex or anything, g-ma. Oh well. I love my grandma & know that she doesn’t mean to burn me like that. It’s just the way she is. 

She didn’t even say anything about how much thinner I am since our last visit though! So disappointing. Like, I’m wearing skinny jeans, HOW CAN IT NOT BE OBVIOUS HOW MUCH HOTTER I AM? Sigh.

As we were getting ready to leave her old neighbour Sati & his family showed up to exchange gifts with her. His three daughters sat there totally quiet & polite & covered up in jeans & big sweaters & then there’s my sister & I across the room, just the complete polar opposites.

Sorry that when I laugh it’s more of a boom that explodes the earth & that my pants are ass-tight over here. Oh & also that when I bent to grab my cigarettes out of my purse my boobs fell out of my shirt & that my sister is sneakily popping her birth control pill out of its packaging under the table.

This is me smiling with teeth showing. My mum always used to rag on me for smiling with my mouth closed. You know, it’s not like she spent two grand on braces to fix my snaggle tooth or anything. Well here it is, mum. I’m Teether Sutherland.

Oh man, I’m glad I’m not high right now because that joke would’ve fucking slayed me. When I’m baked & I bust out a joke I feel like nothing has ever been funny up until that point.