Guide to Not Being a Dick at Concerts

At every show you will ever go to in your life, there will be at least one concert-goer who’ll choose to play the role of “that guy”. Who is “that guy”, you ask? He (or maybe even she) should be easy to spot, because they will do most – if not all – of the following annoying and/or rude things. Read on for Jacqueline Michelle’s Guide to Not Being a Dick at Concerts.

1. Don’t go to a concert hammered.

I’m not talking about enjoying a few drinks before or during the show. What I am talking about is being absolutely & completely shitfaced at a show. First of all, you stink & the rest of the crowd shouldn’t have to smell the booze seeping from your pores. Hot, stank beer breath is also not appreciated, especially in such close quarters. Secondly, loud, belligerent gong shows are irritating. Period. No one wants to hear you scream-talking at your friends. It’s loud enough already.

2. Don’t push & shove to get the spot you want.

I find that most of the time, if you politely ask your fellow audience members to let you through, they will oblige. Pushing people the fuck out of your way is not only rude, but unsafe. Shoving the guy beside you in a large crowd creates a domino effect, genius. Also try to keep in mind that some people make a point to arrive early to snag a decent spot. How fair is it for you to show up twenty minutes into the show & bodycheck someone who has been there for an hour & a half out of their spot in the audience? The answer is not very, so fucking don’t do it.

3. Don’t go to a concert without bathing and/or showering.

We all paid decent money to see the show, so don’t take away from the experience by forcing us to choke on your stink. If you don’t have time to shower beforehand, at least use a little bit of body spray, for Christ’s sake. Deodorant is also a must. It will smell awful enough in the venue by the end of the show, please don’t do anything to add to it.

*On a related note, try to remedy any sort of gastrointestinal issues you may be having before you arrive at the show. In other words, do not, under any circumstances known to God, fart in the audience. It’s not fair. There’s nowhere for the people around you to escape to & again, the venue is probably rank enough as it is. In any case, farts are only funny when you are recounting a story about a fart that has already happened, for example: “I gave my girlfriend a wicked dutch oven the other night.”

4. Don’t use your camera’s flash at concerts.

This one seems pretty obvious. They’re distracting to everyone – the artist on stage, your fellow audience members, etc. They’re also unecessary for picture taking at shows.

5. Don’t tell the artist to “shut up & sing”.

I can’t even tell you how much I hate this. It’s extremely rude. Yes, we all came to hear the artist play, but most people also enjoy a bit of witty banter between songs. It’s entertaining. They are just trying to be personable, so let them give’r for a minute or so.

6. Don’t shout out song requests.

The band has a set list for a reason. It’s because they have practiced the songs on it to perfection to play for the audience. It doesn’t make you sound cooler when you yell for the band to play some obscure B-side from ten years ago. Anyway, how often do you attend a show where the band takes song requests? There you go.

7. Don’t start a fight at a concert.

Moshing is one thing. If you decide to go into a pit, then you should expect to take some elbows or fists. There are no hard feelings there. Starting a fistfight with another audience member is another thing altogether. It’s stupid & unsafe – for you, for the person you’re throwing down with & for the people around you who just want to see the show. It’s also super disrespectful to the person/people onstage, as they often have to stop mid-song to alert security & get your ass removed from the venue.

I could probably go on, but I think I’ve covered the main points. Basically, refrain from doing any of the above things at a concert. Be polite, be safe & remember that there are other people trying to enjoy their evening. If you are guilty of any of the behaviours on this list, cut it out, for fuck’s sake. You’re ignorant & rude.

How not to act at a concert

The Matthew Good show that my best friend & I got last minute tickets to was last night & it was stellar. It was at the college in the gymnasium, which was great because it was such a small space, perfect for taking photos.

We headed straight to the front & set ourselves up in a sweet little spot on the righthand side (our left) of the stage. We’d have loved to have gone straight up & stood right in front, but we left a space a couple of meters wide to allow the security guards to walk from one end to the other. They’ve got jobs to do, so we figured we’d be courteous. 

It’s a fucking shame that nobody else was thinking along the same lines. We’d been standing there for the better part of an hour when a group of four girls/complete pissheads barged up & stood right in front of us. The fact that they stank of alcohol was bad enough, but now they were also blocking our formerly perfect view of the stage.

The BFF told them how rude they were to just shove their way up front when we’d made a point to get there ON TIME so that we’d have a decent place in the audience. They slurred some half-assed apology, but stayed where they were.

Then later on, another latecomer who felt it was her right to push & shove the earlybirds out of their spots bumped us out of the way to better her view. The security guard gave her & her husband shit for blocking the walkway between the stage & the barrier they’d set up (which made it impossible for them to get from stage right to left) & told her to back up. This, of course, pushed the BFF & I back even further. So fucking much for getting there early.

In the end, I had the last laugh though. We ended up making our way (politely, without shoving, bumping or pushing) back up front & scored a spot in the second row. I had to maneuver my camera around bobbing heads & waving arms, but my photos turned out to be amazing. I’m honestly a little bit in love with myself right now for taking these.

The best part was how the BFF observed all these people who’d shoved us the fuck out of the way taking shitty quality photos, then looking at the display on my camera, checking out the shots I was getting & glaring at the back of my head.

I’m pretty pleased with myself right about now.

The benefits of bargain shopping according to my mum

At one point during my sister’s last trip up to our mum’s house from Toronto, she stood searching for some item or other in the pantry & discovered dozens of boxes, cans & jars of brand name rip-off products.

Instead of good old Kraft peanut butter there sat a jar of Nut’n Better. A case of pop which at first glance appeared to be 7-Up was, in actuality, a honkin’ case of Choose Up.  I could go on & on, but I digress. I’m sure you get the picture.

My sister turned to my mum & pointed these hilariously named items out. “Mum, you have all this brand name knock-off stuff in here. Remember when Jacqueline & I would be sick & you’d give us Pepto-Bismuth?” We all laughed.

“You can’t tell me this peanut butter doesn’t taste exactly like Kraft.” She unscrewed the lid & thrust the jar at me. “Try it. It’s all the same thing. Anyway, the money I’ve saved buying this stuff instead of brand name is the reason I’m sitting in this big house right now eating Pringles,” our mum said.

“Pringles?” replied my sister. “Mum, those are Stack-Ups!”

I’m going to blow up Future Shop

I’m the only person in my household (which only consists of me & my boyfriend, but still) who has a credit card at this point. So when something needs to be paid for in installments or on some other type of payment plan, I have to offer my card up, even if that something happens to be a gift for me. My old man is looking to buy me a laptop for Christmas because my desktop is getting old/is a piece of shit & he found the shiny purple Dell Mini that I’ve been coveting in Future Shop the other week.

He enquired about it & was told he’d have to apply for a Future Shop credit card & make his payments using it. He said that that’d be fine & went to the customer service desk to fill out the application, at which time he was told he needed photo ID, which he didn’t have on his person.  He came home sans laptop & suggested that we both go in together the next day & that I use my driver’s license as ID. So the next night after a very long day at work, we did.

The first thing I see as I walk through the door is some guy passed out on the floor with his worried friend standing over him. There was a group of four in line for customer service ahead of us talking & apparently he’d been complaining about feeling dizzy before he KO’d in the middle of the floor. At that point the ambulance arrived & I pretended not to watch the paramedics helping the guy out  while the customer service reps behind the desk rushed around in a complete clusterfuck getting nothing done/diddling themselves.

I was getting pissed off & was actually considering walking out (as I mentioned, I’d had a really long day at work & was not in the mood) when my old man pointed at the counter. “You’re next.” “Fuck, right on,” I said & had taken maybe half a step toward the desk when the guy who had just been lying PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR cuts in front of me, saying some shit about how he was actually next & he was so sorry, it would only take a minute.  Um, hi, wow, actually if you had been next in line your ass would’ve been sprawled out in front of this here counter instead of twenty feet across the store but okay, go ahead, I’m not going to yell at a recently unconcious guy.

Ten or so minutes later I finally got up to the counter & went about giving this crusty woman behind the desk the information she needed to get me this fucking Future Shop card that I didn’t even want. She asked me for photo ID & I produced my license. She looked at it, shook her head & handed it back. “I can’t use this,” she says. “It’s expired. Look at the date.” As calmly as I could, I explained to her that although it was indeed past the date printed on the license, due to the DriveTest strike nobody can actually renew their license at this time. The MTO has actually extended the licenses that expired during the strike until the strike is over. Therefore, my license is valid. Simple right? Fucking retarded Bobby Boucher could understand that, am I right? Well, she couldn’t. That’s when I got pissed. I ended up slamming the fucking license down on the counter & shoving it at her. “TRY AGAIN.” And why the fuck does the date even matter? YOU ASKED FOR PHOTO ID. THAT IS WHY I AM SHOWING YOU MY LICENSE. Who gives a rat’s ass when it expires? You’re interested in the photo. I don’t understand. 

Of course, I probably screwed myself over. I didn’t exactly kiss her ass to get what I wanted. In the end she wouldn’t let go of the expiry date on that fucking piece of plastic, so I ripped it back off of her, made confetti out of the agreement/terms contract thing that I’d signed, threw confetti, swore to boycott their garbage store forever & probably did/said some other lunatic type shit that I can’t remember because I was too enraged.

My boyfriend says that it wasn’t the worst tantrum I’ve ever had in public, which is good. If I ever do want to go in there again, I should be able to without any issues. And since my family (especially on my dad’s side) loads me up with Future Shop gift cards every Christmas, I’ll probably be there soon, haha.

Scuttlebutt

I decided I wanted to go to Swiss Chalet for my birthday dinner this year because I’m gangster & I love Chalet sauce. You can buy little packets of it in powder form to make yourself at home. I should probably do it up. I’d drink that shit straight, right out of my flask.

I’m pretty stoked on how much my boyfriend’s mangled hand reminds me of Hanson from Scary Movie 2 here. He’d love to serve you some mashed potatoes.

My sister was getting stink eye the entire time we were there from these two old ladies that were sitting behind us. I wish they’d gotten into the background of one of these photos.

They weren’t impressed that my sister was taking photos with her flash on. The bitchier one of the two loudly sighed & went “These people & their cameras” when she snapped of picture of mum. Oh sorry, excuse her for wanting to get a decent photo in a poorly lit restaurant & for loving our mother.

I have this theory that old people feel like they can do & say what the fuck they want because they’re going to die soon anyway & figure they might as well just give’r while they can.

Sister: It’s your birthday, you should have a beer with me.

JM: I think I kind of want a Monkey Milkshake.

Sister: But you’re supposed to have a drink on your birthday.

JM: I WANT A FUCKING MONKEY MILKSHAKE.

My sister’s hand reminds me of that Foo Fighters video where Dave Grohl’s hand grows huge & he goes around pimp slapping everyone.

I was also going to type out the story of my snap show in Future Shop the other day but I’m too tired so fuck that.